


Broken Hands

by LeslieTheGrey



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Conflict Resolution, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Happy Ending, Hugs, Jasper Has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD (Steven Universe), Lapis Lazuli Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:48:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22889482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeslieTheGrey/pseuds/LeslieTheGrey
Summary: Everything may be at peace now. But even though the war is finally over, there are some people that are still fighting their own battles.Fortunately for Lapis and Jasper, a meeting may mark the end of their own.
Relationships: Jasper/Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 37





	Broken Hands

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Repercussion](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22423990) by [ObtuseOctopus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObtuseOctopus/pseuds/ObtuseOctopus). 



If she believed in it, Lapis Lazuli would've believed it fated that she make peace with all of her enemies.

First, the Crystal Gems. They had been the ones to keep her in that accursed mirror, trying to suppress her when she was finally able to escape. By this point in time, of course, things had been explained, misunderstandings had been cleared and Lapis had ended up not only warming up to them, but even joining their ranks.

Peridot had come in the midst of that development and, dare she say it, was one of the main catalysts for her eventual association with the Crystal Gems. Once a cold, technical interrogator that had viewed Lapis as little more than an informant, she was now one of Lapis's closest confidantes. That had nearly been threatened courtesy of Lapis's own accord, and certainly there were still things that had to be sorted out. But things were definitely stable enough, for the time being.

The Diamonds was the most recent receivers of the proverbial olive branch. The branch was thinner here - unlike the previous cases, there wasn't an effort to get close - aside from the distance Lapis crossed before smashing a barn on Blue Diamond's head. The fear she had to them had regressed to simple, cautious neutrality. As far as she was concerned, that was good enough for her.

Now she sat at her personal desk of her personal classroom, fingers drumming anxiously against the table as she waited for the next person to give an olive branch to. Truth be told, she wasn't looking forward to this encounter. After being trapped under the ocean for several months in a fusion with her, who would be?

No, Lapis certainly was in no hurry to meet Jasper again.

Unlike the previous scenarios where she always had a reason to be angry at the other person, this one was mostly her fault. She had been the one to accept Jasper's "offer" of fusing. She had been the one that subjected herself to torture just to take her problems out on someone who barely had anything to do with them. She had ruined that Gem, ruined herself even more thanks to that decision.

Had it not been for Steven, Bismuth and Peridot's convincing skills, she probably wouldn't have had to wait for anyone.

She wouldn't be alone. They had assured her that if Jasper tried anything funny, she would have to deal with them. It only made her feel a little better.

Her eyes turned to a nearby clock on the wall.

Steven had mentioned that Jasper resided at a cave at the edge of Beach City, that it would take a while for them to retrieve her and return - assuming she had already been convinced to talk, too. She had been waiting for a good half hour. By this point, she could guess that it would be a few minutes before-

"Lapis!" The familiar and very welcome voice of Steven broke through her thoughts. She turned to him and was rewarded with a big smile as he approached her. She couldn't help the grin that crossed her own face, and she yanked herself out of her chair in order to grab him in a hug.

"Steven!" She exclaimed happily, squeezing him tightly. 

He readily returned the embrace, and they held it for a few seconds before parting away. They met each other's eyes and, as they recollected the reason why they were here, their smiles were quick to fade.

"...where is she?" She was hesitant to ask, afraid that the Gem in question would appear around the corner.

Steven blinked a few times before directing his gaze to the classroom doorway. He cocked a brow, scratching his head in confusion. "Huh. They were right behind me a minute ago, where did they-"

"No need to come to us!" Peridot's voice stopped him from coming to the doorway, with the Gem herself coming into view a second later. Her hands were held out in a halting gesture, though they were dropped soon after to her hips. "We're coming right to you! Sorry bout the delay, but our guest of honor was..." She paused, scoffing and eyeing the doorway. "...suffering from platform anxiety."

"Stage fright." Steven corrected.

Peridot turned up her nose at him. "I liked my term better."

Although Lapis was just as pleased to see Peridot as she had Steven, seeing the Gem appear made it clear that Jasper would be the next one to follow. It made Lapis's figurative skin crawl, especially when she heard the faint voices of both Bismuth and the gem around the corner. She bit her lip, balled her fists and looked away from the two. Even though she had plenty of time to mentally prepare herself, none of it seemed to matter when her issues were so close to making themselves known to her. She couldn't help but wonder if it was a good idea, if talking to Jasper really would be beneficial. The idea of just flying off and-

"Lapis?"

Thankfully, she was snapped out of her thoughts when both of her hands were grabbed and held. Both Steven and Peridot had a hand in each of their own, regarding her with their own variations of concern. Her fists relaxed under their touch, but she still looked at them with a weary wariness. "I-I'm not so sure if this is a good idea anymore." She admitted.

Peridot huffed. "Well, there's no backing out of it now! Took us forever to convince Jasper just to come here. Besides," She gave her best supporting grin and patted Lapis's hand. "We said we had your back, didn't we? There's no way Jasper can take on all of us at once."

"I could squish you easy."

Just like that, all of the comfort her friends provided had suddenly been stripped away under the presence of that familiar, rough, hard and unwelcome voice.

Her entire form froze. She could only bring herself to look up just enough to see the boots of that dreaded orange jumpsuit before she started shaking - too subtle to be noticed, but certainly too obvious by the hands grasping hers. She didn't have to look to them to feel their concerned gazes on her. She shut her eyes, slowly taking a deep breath in an effort to calm herself. With a neck feeling like it was being operated by a robot about to break apart, she lifted her head up from the boots to the face.

A hideous grin and glare greeted her.

Without warning, Jasper lunged at her with a speed no one could react to. One of those massive hands stretched out towards Lapis's face, fingers prepared to claw. She nearly fell on her back, blinking in reflex as she prepared to leap out of the way-

"-for your information, I was the one to poof you."

"What? After I was weakened by corruption? You had a handicap."

And then, voices came to her.

Jasper wasn't in her face with that terrifying smile and that outstretched hand. She was just in the doorway with Bismuth, giving Peridot a disgruntled gaze. Peridot was returning it with an attitude of annoyance and smugness.

Lapis hadn't been focused on yet, for Jasper seemed to be more preoccupied with bickering with Peridot.

"The corruption was _your_ fault." Peridot said flatly.

"A handicap I _gave_ you!" Jasper retorted, thumbing at her chest. "You didn't win. You just got lucky."

" _I_ was capitalizing on _your_ error in tactics. There was no luck. You were just being a clod."

Jasper let out a growl, clenching her fists and gave a hard leer at Peridot. It was returned in full, and one could practically see the sparks flying.

Thankfully, Bismuth decided it to be the appropriate time to step in. She moved in between the two arguing Gems, her hands held out to both of them. "All right, let's not start measuring our cuts here." She interrupted casually, with a grin to match. "We can do that on our own time."

Peridot stepped back triumphantly, while Jasper scoffed and folded her arms across her chest.

"Right now," Bismuth continued, her expression turning serious. "You got yourself a Gem to talk to." She turned to address Lapis. "Doesn't she, La-?"

What she saw - and what the rest turned to see - was a shaking blue Gem with her head down and gaze downcast. Her breaths were audible, unsteady and irregular.

Lapis was barely aware of her friends rushing beside her, trying her best to calm herself down from her scare, trying to convince herself that Jasper hadn't just attacked her at first eye contact. She had just imagined things. She had just _hallucinated_ things. Yet, her mind was far too slow to register that. It was fleeting, but it had felt so real, and-

"Hey." 

She couldn't help but flinch when she felt Bismuth's hands on her shoulders, barely mustering the ability to look up. There was minor relief when she saw the concerned, kind expression of Bismuth instead of what she had just experienced beforehand. She was able to relax herself, straightening and meeting the other Gem's eye. Her breathing, although still shaky, slowed down.

"You okay?" Bismuth asked.

Lapis almost snorted. It was a dumb question to her - of course she wasn't okay. But she wasn't going to let herself snap at Bismuth for trying to help. So, she nodded and took in a deep breath. "I'll be fine." She whispered, before attempting to make her voice and expression more firm. "I have to do this."

Bismuth nodded respectfully before stepping aside, but not before paying a slight warning glare in Jasper's direction. Steven and Peridot did the same, giving both of them some needed space. They all exited the room, the door shutting quietly behind them.

They were probably standing just outside. But as she stared at Jasper, with the bigger Gem having her arms folded and and an uncomfortably attentive leer, she still somehow felt very alone. She attempted to mimic Jasper's motion of arm folding, but the way she crossed said arms brought off more weakness than she had intended to show. Still, she managed to hold a rather hardened expression as she spoke the next words.

"I'm sorry."

It was straight to the point candy, judging from Jasper's brief eye widening, unexpected. She was quick to recover, lowering her arms and cocking a brow. "For?"

"Wha-" Now it was Lapis's turn to be surprised. However, it wasn't long before the fire of anger surged in her. Her hands balled up. "Okay, don't tell me you actually forgot about it. The fusion. Malachite. Being trapped under the ocean for several months."

But Jasper kept that infuriating brow raised, and Lapis was just about to snarl at her.

Then, the bemusement vanished, and shock took its place.

Lapis watched in slight awe as Jasper took a step back from her, almost mirroring Lapis's initial reaction. It didn't last long, and Jasper was able to refold her arms across her chest and huff in response. "Well." She muttered. "I _wanted_ to forget it. But then you decided to remind me."

Lapis could've sworn she heard a shake in those words. It was only under the growth of the fire that kept her from dwelling on it. 

"You mean to tell me you actually-?!" She stopped herself when she realized she was raising her voice a little too much, catching Jasper gain a little more annoyance in her expression. She closed her eyes, relaxed her fists and drew in a calming breath before speaking again. "I know I probably said most of this back on the boat. But," Her own voice quavered a little and, after a second, she began to use gestures to emphasize. "I hurt you. I used you as a way to vent my anger out, punish somebody for things they didn't even do. I realized it but, back then, I didn't even have the nerve to apologize to you for it. So, here it is. I'm sorry for everything I did to you. I don't expect you to forgive me or anything, I just..." Her eyes were cast down on the floor. "I just... needed some closure."

There was only a second of silence before Jasper did something unexpected. She started laughing.

Lapis brought her head back up to stare at Jasper in astonishment. The orange Gem had a palm to her temple and was laughing, like Lapis had told her a very funny joke. It was enough to cause Lapis to blush, and she couldn't keep an indignant look from crossing her face. "Okay, what's suddenly so funny?!" She demanded, clenching her fists and looking very much like she wanted to punch Jasper.

"What's funny?!" Jasper managed to get out, stopping her laughs immediately after. She took a step forward, pointing a finger at Lapis. "The fact that you think this cheap manipulation tactic is gonna be enough to get me."

"What-?!" Lapis spat incredulously, slapping a palm against her chest. "I am not manipu-!"

"What do you want?" Jasper continued, ignoring the protests. "Did you really want Malachite after all? Do you want to soften me up, just enough to convince me to fuse with you again? Did you really miss the feeling of me getting grounded under your heel that much?" Her last sentence was colored by a tone of revulsion and anger, followed by more steps towards Lapis. "Well, that's too bad. I'm not the Gem that begged you for it anymore. I'm better than that. I've learned from that!"

By this point, she was close enough to kneel down to Lapis's level and see the growing fury on the blue Gem's face. An orange finger jabbed into her blue top, uncaring of the consequences. "I'm better than you. And I will never let myself fall to that level again."

" _Good!_ " Lapis snapped.

A moment of silence. If it wasn't for the fact that Lapis was so angry, she would've snickered at the priceless expression of surprise Jasper gave her.

"...what?" Jasper asked, blinking a few times.

"I said-" Lapis repeated, pausing to take another breath. "That it's _good_ you're not going to beg me to fuse. I'm _glad_ you're past Malachite, and I hope that you _never_ want to go back to it because _I_ never want to go back to it. I meant what I said back on that boat. I never want to feel the way I felt with you, ever again!"

Jasper grimaced, looking very much caught off-guard. "But what else could you possibly want out of me? You said you liked taking everything out on me."

"I did." Lapis agreed, although her voice shook at her words. She had the decency to look ashamed and regretful. "But when I was doing it, I wasn't thinking about you... or anyone else, for that matter. There was some part of me that was trying to convince the rest of me that I was doing it to protect Steven. But if I really wanted to do that, I had the ocean beside me. I could've just used that against you. But instead-" Her voice hitched, and she started to lose herself in her words, her rant. Tears were starting to fall down her face. "-instead I chose to pull you and myself into a prison of my design. I ruined you, I ruined myself, I- I was so ready for a redo of the time I was trapped in a mirror just so I could hurt someone, I-!!"

The edge of her words was partially ruined by her starting to blubber. After a moment's pause, she sank down to her knees. She didn't care about the people watching as she held her face and let the tears spill. She breathed, in and out, each breath tainted by her sobs. Thankfully, her episode didn't last long, and when it stopped, she lowered her hands to her lap. "You were right." She finished hoarsely, slowly shaking her head. "I _was_ a monster."

After another deep breath, she slowly brought herself to look at Jasper.

The look of hesitation and uncertainty on the orange Gem's face looked so out-of-place.

"You're not proud of it." Jasper said - a statement, not a question.

"No." Lapis answered. "I wanted to be greater than that. I wanted to be something more than a Gem who knows how to destroy and hurt people." Her gaze fell to the floor, and images of her friends flashed in front of her eyes. A smile slowly crept up onto her face. "My friends helped me a lot. They helped me feel better. They helped me be better. Thanks to them, I can actually start creating things instead of destroying them. Granted, I've still got more work to do. But I'd like to think I've gotten a long way."

Jasper growled, although it was more confused and frustrated than angry. "And you're seriously saying you're fine with this?" She questioned, gesturing to the classroom. "You're okay with staying here and teaching at this crummy little school? You're okay sticking with people like the Crystal Gems, the same ones who were willing to leave you stuck in that mirror for who knows how long? You're okay with someone like me walking around?" She gestured to herself. "I _used_ you. I tried to use you as a means to beat those Gems, a means to win a fight, and you're saying you're _okay_ with that?"

Lapis bristled, her hands slightly balling up again and her fingers digging slightly into her thighs. "...no. I'm not saying I'm fine with those things happening to me. But," Her expression softened. "There's really nothing I can do about it, other than moving on. I want to move on from the past. My past with them," She lifted a hand off her lap and extended it toward Jasper. "...and my past with you. Is it okay if we just... start over from scratch?"

For what seemed like an eternity, Jasper just stared at her hand. Quite a few emotions were expressed on her face - confusion, awe and... fear? It was stunning to see something like fear on the normally fearless and abrasive Gem's face. A spike of guilt raced through Lapis; that fear probably wouldn't have existed in the first place if not for her. But still, she kept her hand held out, patiently waiting for the probable recipient to take it.

Then, Jasper finally allowed herself to move. She knelt down to Lapis's level, reached for the hand-

-and then stumbled back, violently.

Lapis's eyes widened as Jasper scooted back to gain distance, looking as if she had almost placed her hand in a vat of snakes. "Jasper?!"

"I-" Jasper started, but was unable to continue against her sharp and audible breaths. She pressed a hand against her temple, the fear and confusion having taken over every inch of her expression and body language. After a few seconds of staring at Lapis with terror, she gritted her teeth and sharply turned herself away. "Why?! It was just a stupid handshake-"

"What happened?" Lapis asked with concern, slowly approaching Jasper.

It was probably a dumb question. The more Lapis looked at Jasper, the more she was recognizing the symptoms. It had been the same symptoms that she herself had shown when Jasper made herself apparent. It had already made itself very obvious, especially when Jasper answered.

"Nothing happened, I'm fine."

Lapis's eyes narrowed. Another step forward, and Jasper flinched. "Jasper."

"....it's dumb." Jasper snapped, through a somewhat choked voice and harsh breaths. "I just reached out for your hand, and... suddenly, I just started thinking about the last time I made any sort of physical contact with you. We danced, we fused, and..." She trailed off, shaking her head. "I shouldn't be acting like this, it was just your hand, there's nothing scary about your stupid hand-!"

"Give me yours." Lapis cut her off firmly, so firmly that Jasper couldn't help but look back in her direction. She stopped when she was close enough, kneeling down.

"What-?"

"Just do it. Please."

As dumbfounded as she was, Jasper complied. She pushed herself up to a sitting position, slowly extending out her hand. It was trembling, in spite of its owner's best efforts to control it. Watching it made Lapis hesitate, but only for a second. Slowly, she reached with both of her hands, grasped what she could of the much larger appendage and gave a comforting squeeze.

She didn't know exactly what Jasper was thinking, even as her face grimaced in apprehension. She was barely reminded of that moment in where Jasper had grabbed her arm, and she had to strongly remind herself that it wasn't the same situation.

Lapis was the one initiating contact. There was no want or need to fuse for either of them. There was no hatred or desperation. There were just two Gems, broken and in desperate need of fixing. 

"...you see?" Lapis asked, smiling weakly as she met Jasper's gaze. Relief washed over her when she saw Jasper relax, the fear receding. The smile grew when Jasper slowly closed her hand, gently capturing one of Lapis's. "Nothing's happening. We're not fusing. We're not becoming Malachite. We're just... here." She pulled her free hand away and spread an arm out to her side invitingly.

"...what are you doing?" Jasper asked, cocking an eyebrow.

Lapis's smile lessened a little. "I'm offering a hug." She deadpanned. "Obviously."

Jasper scoffed in annoyance. But, much to Lapis's satisfaction, she let go and moved herself closer to Lapis. After a few seconds' worth of hesitation, she moved her arms around Lapis and brought her in.

It was oddly comforting. Lapis found herself resting her head against Jasper's chest, and the way the bigger Gem's arms wrapped around her provided a strange sense of security. That sense increased when Jasper dropped all her hesitation and tightened the hug, although taking care not to crush her purchase.

"Just here..." Jasper repeated quietly. "We're just... here."

"Yeah." Lapis replied, closing her eyes. "Just here."

It would certainly take a lot more than this meeting alone to truly settle things. It would certainly take more time than the minutes that passed here. But with this, Lapis was sure that Jasper would be a lot more receptive to it.

Things would be better.

Eventually.

**Author's Note:**

> This story was made out of the fact that Steven Universe is ending soon and there'll probably be no actual resolution like this between Jasper and Lapis. I WILL HAVE MY CATHARSIS, EVEN IF I HAVE TO WRITE IT MYSELF, DAMMIT.
> 
> Anyways. If you happen to enjoy this piece, feel free to drop a comment below, as well as give kudos. I'd greatly appreciate the motivation - I like writing enough to continue on my own, but it encourages me to know that there are people actually reading what I put out. Thank you.


End file.
